So Wrong (the collected pornographica of Elsie)

1.

My landlord, who normally wouldn’t lift a finger to fix a flood or a collapsed roof, hired some carpenter to spruce the place up for the next tenant as soon as I gave notice, and he turned out to be absolutely smoking hot! Tall and slinky, high forehead, brooding brown eyes, big strong working hands, farmer tan, fading low-quality tattoos, dirty blue jeans… oh my, I’m already drooling. And the way he looked at me made me melt. It was like he was in the meat aisle, looking for a steak to grill, and I was that choice cut of beef. He was Absolutely No Good Whatsoever, and when he suggested I come over and check out his tiny house, I couldn’t say “Fuck Yes” quickly enough!

It was a very tiny house, but it seemed bigger inside than out. He’d built it himself. Custom trim. Expensive-looking guitars. Expense-looking cowboy boots. A TV cabinet that was carved mahogany and that had sphinx women with bare titties on the front of it.

And a pair of handcuffs hung above the bed, which was all in one room with the stove and the couch and the kitchen table because it was a tiny house.

I looked around and smiled. There was a platform under the bed, which was raised up high enough for there to be a body under there.

“You’re easy,” he said. With just a hint of a smirk. He was a Bad Man.

He was a Bad Man with a beautiful body. Lean like a predatory animal. Hard in all the right places. Stubbly cheeks, big strong calloused hands. Workman’s hands. He worked me over with all the care and tenderness he would use for ripping down a 4×8 sheet of CDX plywood.

His idea of foreplay was to jam my head down on his cock. And I was ok with that. More than OK.

He had a nice big fat cock, just the kind I like best. Not a monster cock, thank goodness because he was not shy about cramming that thing straight down my throat, airway or no; and it wasn’t a small penis, also thank goodness!

I coughed and gagged and did my absolute fucking damnedest to pleasure him, and I think I did a pretty good job of it too, from the sounds he was making, and the vigor of his thrusts, and the way his fists clenched my hair.

When he finally yanked his dick out of my mouth, I collapsed onto the floor. I dry-heaved a little bit. My tits were hanging out because he had torn my shirt straight down the middle and pulled my bra halfway down during our initial tussle.

He laughed at me, towering above me like a Tolkien giant, lifted me bodily up and deposited me in his bed. He leaned down as if to kiss me, but instead spit into my open mouth.

He pulled out a knife: a big, jagged curved blade, looked like it was made for gutting sharks, probably illegal, and I shrank with fear. Was he going to choke me, dismember my body, dump the cut-up pieces into the lagoon? Have I mentioned that I was wet, sopping wet, big dark damp spot visible all over the crotch of my pants? He laughed at me again, and deftly cut the remainder of my clothes off, leaving me naked and vulnerable and whimpering.

His eyes were fixed mockingly on me as he stepped out of his work-stained blue jeans, and rolled a condom onto that beautiful cock. I spread my legs, feeling nakeder than I had ever felt before, and he impaled me with a grunt. I was wet enough that the invasion didn’t hurt, not one bit, but I kind of wished it did.

He fucked me hard, without mercy or thought for my pleasure. He started out holding his scary knife blade up against my throat, as it seemed to amuse him to watch me whimper with fear, but that quickly went by the wayside as he got more excited and abandoned himself into the act of fucking the shit out of me.

Normally I can’t come without a lot of clitoral stimulation, and I was already looking forward to replaying this whole scene slow-motion in the comfort of my own bed, with my big, 120 volt ac vibrator cranked up to 10. But Ye Gods, this fucking guy! He pulled his cock out and flipped me over, hoisted me up onto his knees, and slammed his cock back inside. “Make me come, bitch!” he barked, “Make me fucking come with your cunt!” I was more than willing to oblige. I wiggled my ass and humped back up against his thrusts with all my might, and as he grabbed a big handful of my hair and yanked hard, I felt it building up inside me.

“You fucking slut!” he snarled, and without warning he cruelly jammed a long wet finger up my asshole. We both came hard, at the same time, snarling like a pair of mating mountain lions.

He offered to loan me a pair of pajamas to drive home in, but I preferred to make do with my own torn and shredded, come-stained clothing. I was absolutely going to be instant-replaying with my Hitachi, the moment I got in the door.

He looked oddly vulnerable there in his tiny living room, his dick small and soft now, a little bit of a beer belly, helping me gather up my things.

“No,” I said, “You’re the easy one.”

2.

Spring days are nice around here, especially when you don’t have to work, especially when you have a few dollars in your pocket, and your cunt is still pleasantly sore from the encounter you enjoyed the other day, the one that left you with cuts and bruises, and makes your clit swell and tingle just thinking about it.

I was sitting out on the square, at a small table with a big fat latte, across the way from my former place of employment, watching the people go by, or more specifically, ogling the hot guys and their bulges and their butts, as well as the occasional female T&A that the unseasonably warm spring weather had unleashed like early blossoms. I was squeezing my thighs together, giving myself cheap thrills, thinking about the adventure I had had, and imagining more to come, and contemplating going home and getting serious about some hard-core masturbation, when I noticed Megan, me ex-coworker, sitting on a bench with her new boyfriend.

It wasn’t that I disliked Megan for any good reason; I just couldn’t stand the prissy little bitch. I had hated her from day one, and to make matters worse, she had always been extremely friendly and polite, and had gone out of her way to be nice to me.

She had mentioned him in the office the other week, this new guy she had met through whatever app the kids are using these days, and how he was really cute and super nice, and really shy, and blah blah blah, see, isn’t he adorable? I asked if he had sent her a dick pic yet, and she just laughed like I was joking, but I really wasn’t.

Now that I saw him, across the square, I wanted him to send ME a fucking dick pic! He was a dreamboat, way too cute for the likes of Megan. They were all over each other on the park bench, in the most G-rated, cutesy-poo sort of way. It made me faintly nauseous. Look at them holding hands, they look like they should be on the Hallmark channel together. I wondered if she had even seen his dick yet. I bet she hadn’t.

They said their goodbyes –she had to get back to the office, I knew—and it was all so cloying sweet it nearly put me into hyperglycemic shock. She kissed him on the fucking cheek, and waddled away, her ample ass casting a shadow like a solar eclipse. He watched her leave with a winsome, longing look on his face: if she hadn’t seen his cock yet, she was going to soon!

I fished in my handbag, and popped a couple of Xanax for courage. Or maybe they were lorazepam, or clonazepam, or vitamin D, I really don’t know. They wouldn’t kick in for at least half an hour, but they made me feel braver, and that was really the point. I picked up my oversized overpriced coffee and strolled, as casually as a Klingon Bird of Prey, over to the bench where he was now sitting all alone. The lamb.

“Hi, do you mind if I sit here?” Light and fluffy as a passing cloud, I didn’t wait for an answer but slipped directly onto the bench, making damn sure my thigh was pressed up against his.

“Um, no not at all, go ahead!” he was clearly non-plussed, which made him even cuter.

My hands were shaking, I hoped against hope I didn’t spill my coffee on him. My heart was racing. I couldn’t wait for the Xanax or whatever it was to start kicking in. To say this was out of character for me was like saying my pussy was a little bit wet.

“Isn’t it beautiful out today?” I pressed my thigh conversationally against his. It may have been my imagination, but I think he made a little squeak.

“You know what I like doing on a nice sunny afternoon in spring?” I licked my lips as suggestively as possible, which I thought was pretty suggestive, and I lay my hand down on his thigh.

“I, um, I have a girlfriend,” he stuttered. Oh my god, he was so cute I could just eat him up!

I advanced my hand onto his crotch, where I discovered that sure enough, he was hard. Good. Either the pharmaceuticals were kicking in, or I was getting high off my own endorphins.

“Oh yeah?” I gave his cock a friendly squeeze through his slacks. “Are you engaged? Engaged to be engaged?” I was petting it now, like a kitten, and I could feel it straining up through his pants. The pleasure that gave me was sublime. “Let’s go for a walk,” I said, “And you can tell me all about her.”

I took him by the hand (his palm was soft like a girl’s, and moist and sweaty, and he gripped my hand like a life preserver. I led us in front of the office where I used to work, on the off chance that Megan would happen to look out the window and see us walking past, hand-in-hand. The odds were against it, but a girl can always hope!

Into the park, along the path by the duck pond. The place was fairly empty, but far from deserted. Moms with toddlers were feeding the ducks, old ladies were strolling and gossiping, businessmen were on their cellphones.

He stopped us at a convenient tree, and he pulled me up close to him and kissed me. His lips were soft, his tongue restrained. He kissed, and I know this from experience, like a girl. For all that, he was a pretty good kisser. I could feel his cock straining through his pants as we made out, pressing up against my crotch, bumping up against my clit, and I liked that. I liked that an awful lot.

I pressed my tits hard against his chest. I may not be a skinny little waif, but I have boobs, and the boys certainly seem to like them. He wrapped his arms around me, putting his hands on my backside and squeezing my ass. My cunt was officially soaked.

“Come on,” I said, without any real idea where I was taking him, and hand-in-hand we jog-walked along the path, up the hill, until we came to a frog pond in a little patch of pine trees with a decorative bridge and some quasi-Japanese statuary. The place was empty at the moment, which was good because I don’t think his dick or my clit could have held out any longer.

We made out a little more at the top of the little bridge, but not for very long because we were both way, way too horny and turned-on. While busily trying to shove my tongue down his throat, I fumbled open the closure of his trousers. Not easy, but as soon as I was successful, his pants slid right down, and I followed them, ending up right where I wanted to be, on my knees, face-to-face with his crotch.

Yes, he was wearing white briefs, and yes, I thought that was absolutely adorable. I hooked my fingers in the waistband and yanked them straight down, freeing his cock like a jack-in-the-box. 

It wasn’t an especially big one, but I had sort of figured that out already, and I really didn’t mind. It would just be that much easier to fit the whole thing in my mouth, which is exactly what I proceeded to do.

God I love sucking cock!! I loved his taste, I loved the way he felt in my mouth, the noises he made. I probably could have made him come right then and there, but I wanted to prolong the pleasure – his for sure, but mostly mine.

I let his dick pop out of my mouth, and I admired it for a moment, small but tall and proud, glistening with my saliva and quivering with excitement. It was adorable, which is probably the last adjective any guys wants applied to his cock, but  it really was adorable.

“Turn around,” I said, and just to emphasize my point, I put both hands on his hips and I turned him around so he was bent over the bridge rail, with his flat butt right in my face.

His ass was pale and flawless. Without waiting for him to protest, I spread his cheeks and dove right in, licking all around his tiny, puckered little anus. He tasted musky and male and delicious. I stroked his wet cock with one hand while I wormed my tongue up his tight little asshole. The noises he was making were exquisite. I could feel his dick throbbing in my hand. His balls flapped up against my chin. My cunt was soaked.

I spun him around again, my own little marionette. I lifted up my shirt and pulled down my bra, and just for fun, enveloped his penis in the soft flesh of my boobs. I looked up at him and grinned hungrily.

“Where do you want to come?” I asked him sweetly, “On my face? On my tits? In my mouth?”

“Mouth!” he gasped, which was good, because that was where I had pretty much decided he was going to come anyway. I lusted to taste him, to consume and swallow him up.

I got serious about sucking him off, wrapping my lips tight around his petite cock, bobbing my head up and down, encouraging him to hump back, to fuck my mouth like a pussy. He took the hint. I grabbed his buns in both hands, pulling him into me, and let the tip of my middle finger slide inside his wet little asshole.

He made a sweet little choking noise, and exploded, instantly filling my mouth with what felt like about a gallon of thick, salty, bitter, delicious semen. I’m not ashamed to say I swallowed it all hungrily down, and sucked him dry.

When there was no more left to suck, when his dick was reduced to a soft little noodle, I finally released him and stood back up, tucking my tits back into my bra. I gave him a big, sloppy wet kiss on the lips. “Thank you,” I said, “That really hit the spot!”

He opened his mouth to say something, but just then his cellphone rang. It was in his pants pocket, and he suddenly seemed to remember that he was standing in the middle of a bridge in the park with his pants and underwear down around his ankles, and his privates hanging out in the cool spring air.

I walked away, leaving him scrambling to pull his pants back up and retrieve his ringing phone. I hoped it was Megan, I really did. An older lady was walking her Pomeranian by the pond, conspicuously not looking at me. I wondered how much she had seen. Hopefully everything. If she was anything like me, she would be jerking off as soon as she got home.

3.

I was finally out of the apartment. All my crap was packed up in boxes, loaded into the van. I was actually just pulling out of the driveway when Tami texted me.

Tami and I had been sexting until late the night before. It had started out fairly innocent, and (as tends to happen with me) had rapidly gotten heavily and explicitly sexual.

These are the things I knew about Tami: She’s a cancer survivor. She drives a school bus. She takes care of her disabled friend/roommate, who has cerebral palsy. She’s horny as fuck.

…and now I knew her address. I’d told her I was leaving town, and now she was inviting me over because she was, as she put it, “in desperate need of some quality dicking.” Well, I’d just see what I could do.

We hadn’t exchanged pictures. I had no idea what she looked like. She’d told me that she’d been celibate for an absurdly long time.

She was waiting for me in front of her house, a shabby little split-level ranch in a drab neighborhood. She was about my own age, but she looked a lot older, gaunt and skinny as an unwrapped mummy. She had thin grey hair, cropped into a crew cut, courtesy or recent chemo. She was wearing a black sweatshirt and baggy jeans. I’m going to rock this woman’s world, I thought to myself, if it’s the last fucking thing I do.

She ran up to meet me as I stepped out of the U-Haul, and then stopped short.

“You didn’t tell me you were a chick!”

“You never asked.” I put my arms around her and gave her a hug. She only hesitated a moment before hugging me tightly back. I dropped my hands to her nearly non-existent ass and squeezed, and she squirmed happily, rubbing herself up against me. We kissed a little bit, and it was nice, she tasted of vanilla.

She brought me inside, where I was introduced to her roommate, Reg. Reg was watching tv. She sat in an electric wheelchair. A urine bag was strapped to her leg, and she trailed oxygen tubing behind her.

“You kids have fun now,” she leered, “I’ll just turn the volume way up.”

Her bedroom was dark, with purple and green mood lighting. It reeked of patchouli. Quasi-psychedelic posters on the wall. Smooth jazz played through little Bluetooth speakers. I don’t usually like to fuck to music, especially smooth jazz, but as far as I was concerned, this was going to be all about her. Tall black taper candles, four of them, burned on a shelf above the headboard. I pulled her in close to me and we kissed some more, and I felt myself getting wet.

“I’ve never done it with a girl before.” Ah, but I had, and the truth is it ain’t rocket science. People are just people, you know? “Will you do it to me rough please, like we talked about last night?” I certainly would. We had gotten pretty filthy in our texting spree the night before.

We started smooching again, and this time I bit down hard on her lip, and she cooed and pressed her crotch against me. I shoved her backward, and we fell, tumbling onto her bed.

I pulled the sweatshirt off over her head. Her skin was almost translucent, and her ribs stuck out like rungs of a ladder. I kissed her all over, including the scars where her breasts had been.

“Please…” she begged, “Fuck me…”

Oh no sister, you’re not getting off that easy! I just wished that my collection of sex toys wasn’t so utterly buried under the boxes of books, clothing, board games, and cosmetics that presently filled the van. The tie from her bathrobe would do nicely though, and with a couple deft clove hitches, her wrists were firmly secured to the headboard.

“Oh, you’re bad!” she cooed.

“I’ll show you bad!” I pulled my t-shirt off over my head and unsnapped my bra. “Suck on these, girlfriend!” I shoved my boob in her face while I rubbed her pussy through her jeans. I could feel the heat of her cunt through the denim. I hadn’t fucked a girl in a really long time, and I was very much enjoying getting back into the habit.

I tugged her jeans off. She wasn’t wearing any panties. The contours of her pelvis showed clearly through her fragile pale skin. There was a tiny tuft of mouse-gray hair above her pussy. Her cunt was beautiful. It pouted open, like a rose bud, the swollen purple lips leaking slippery lust. Apparently I was doing ok.

I pulled off my own pants and stepped out of my panties. I shoved the crotch under Teri’s nose. “Are you ready to taste my pussy?”

“Oh yes,” she sighed, “Give it to me, please!”

I straddled her torso, shoving my cunt into her face, pulling her hair to bring her mouth to me. She lapped eagerly if inexpertly. The angle was awkward, but she looked hot as hell doing that.

Her licking felt nice, but the angle was off, and she definitely wasn’t going to get me off like that. Anyway, I was really really horny to get into her cunt, so climbed off and slid down between her legs.

Her pussy tasted sweet, clean and feminine. I enjoyed spreading her lips with my tongue, I enjoyed her wetness on my face, I enjoyed the sounds she made as I teased her pink clit out from under it’s little hood.

I have a strap-on in the van, and I was mentally kicking myself for not excavating out the toy box on my way over. On the other hand, there is nothing quite so sexy as fingering a chick to orgasm while you lick her clit, and feeling her orgasm all over your fingers.

I went to work. I slid one, and then a second finger up her slick wet pussy. It felt really sexy, her cunt wrapped around my fingers. Her clit bulged eagerly out, and I took it between my lips, sucking it like a tiny cock. Tami was humping back against me, grinding her clit against my mouth, moaning loud enough that it really didn’t matter how loud Reg had turned up the volume on the TV set, she was definitely hearing us now.

I slipped a wet finger up her asshole, and then just for good measure, I added a second finger. Now I was fucking her hard with four fingers of one hand, two in her cunt, two in her ass. I was pounding her as hard as I could, sweat was dripping down my face and my arm ached, and I was sucking her clit with everything I had.

She came hard for me, thrashing and screaming. Her cunt and her anus pulsated on my fingers, spasming and squeezing, her legs kicking high in the air. She shook the bed so hard that two of the tall taper candles fell off the shelf, and one immediately ignited a stack of papers on the floor by the bed.

Tami’s eyes were still shut tight, a angelic expression of bliss on her face. I disengaged from her, rushing to beat the fire out with a pillow, but it was already spreading, catching a wastepaper basket, a poster, and her wall hangings next to the door.

First thing to do was untie her, and fast! She cooed, “Oooh baby, that was…” and then she opened her eyes and saw flames. The room was rapidly filling up with smoke. “Oh SHIT!”

Finally, I got her wrists loose, and she shrank back from the fires, cowering with a panicked look on her face. “Shit! Reggie’s on oxygen, this place is a bomb!!”

 oh, fuck.

“Fire extinguisher! In the kitchen! Quick!!”

I rushed, naked, through what seemed like a wall of flames, burst out past the startled Reg, into the kitchen, where I grabbed the fire extinguisher, and sprinted back. The entire house was now starting to fill up with black smoke.

Back in the bedroom, I was eerily calm. I pulled the safety ring, and aimed the extinguisher at the base of the flames, pulling the trigger, and hosing the fire down with a side-to-side sweeping motion, just like in the instructions. In reality, the conflagration was much smaller than it looked. Before the little extinguisher was even empty, the fire was out.

“Holy…” Tami started saying.

“…Fuck!” I agreed.

We sheepishly pulled some clothes on, and opened all the windows and doors, apologizing profusely to Reg, who seemed unduly amused by the whole affair.

“You’re a hero!” Tami told me, as I climbed into the U-Haul van.

“The fuck I am,” I said, kissing her one last time. Then I put the van in gear and pulled out of her driveway onto the open road.

END